Introduction

When coercive control is discussed, it is often in the context of intimate partner violence. Yet coercive control also operates within families: between parents and children, siblings, or even extended relatives. In these settings, it becomes normalized across generations, shaping how children learn about love, power, and safety. Understanding coercive control as a family system issue—not just a relationship issue—helps break cycles of harm and build healthier patterns for the future.
Coercive Control Beyond Romantic Relationships
Coercive control is defined as a pattern of domination through isolation, intimidation, regulation, and manipulation (Stark, 2007). While it is often associated with male partners controlling female spouses, families can also become sites of coercive control.
Examples in families include:
- Parent–child dynamics: dictating a child’s friendships, career, or autonomy under the guise of “protection.”
- Sibling bullying: ongoing intimidation, surveillance, or sabotage, especially when tolerated by adults.
- Extended family pressure: using guilt, threats of disownment, or financial leverage to control decisions.
In these contexts, coercive control may be rationalized as cultural tradition, parental authority, or family loyalty. Survivors often feel conflicted because their abusers are also their caretakers.
How Children Internalize Control
Children exposed to coercive control absorb its rules into their developing nervous systems. Research shows that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) such as domestic violence or psychological abuse alter brain development and stress regulation (Felitti et al., 1998). Children may learn that love is conditional, autonomy is dangerous, and speaking up results in punishment.
Common internalized messages include:
- “My worth depends on keeping others happy.”
- “I can’t trust my own feelings or memories.”
- “Conflict means danger.”
- “It’s safer to stay silent.”
These beliefs can persist into adulthood, influencing friendships, romantic partnerships, and even professional relationships.
The Ripple Effect: Intergenerational Trauma
Unresolved coercive control doesn’t stop with one generation—it ripples outward. Survivors who grow up in controlling families may unconsciously replicate similar dynamics, either as controllers or as those who submit to control. This is not because they are broken, but because trauma often becomes a template for relating (van der Kolk, 2014).
For example:
- A child who witnessed one parent dominate another may believe this is “normal love.”
- A young adult raised under strict regulation may either rebel destructively or repeat self-silencing in new relationships.
- Families may shame or silence those who try to break the cycle, reinforcing loyalty to harmful patterns.
Cultural and Community Contexts
It’s also important to note that coercive control in families can intersect with cultural and systemic factors. In some cultures, family honor, obedience, or collectivism are emphasized, making it harder to recognize when control has crossed into abuse (Gill, 2004). Additionally, systemic inequities—such as colonization, racism, or poverty—may intensify dynamics of control by limiting safe options for leaving or seeking help.
Somatic Impact of Family Control
Children living in environments of constant monitoring, shame, or intimidation often adapt by suppressing their authentic selves. This can manifest in adulthood as:
- Difficulty identifying personal needs.
- Automatic compliance or people-pleasing.
- Chronic tension or physical symptoms such as headaches and digestive issues.
- A disconnection from one’s own body as a survival strategy.
Somatic therapies emphasize that these adaptations were protective in unsafe environments, and they can be gently unlearned in safe ones (Ogden, Minton, & Pain, 2006).
Pathways to Breaking the Cycle
Healing from family-based coercive control requires courage, support, and often grief. Survivors may need to mourn the care they never received, redefine family on their own terms, and learn to set boundaries that may be resisted by relatives. Helpful approaches include:
- Therapeutic support: working with trauma-informed practitioners to process experiences and build resilience.
- Somatic practices: learning to listen to the body’s cues for safety and boundaries.
- Boundary-setting skills: practicing saying no, limiting contact, or redefining family ties.
- Community healing: connecting with supportive networks outside the family system.
Breaking intergenerational patterns does not mean rejecting one’s heritage; it means reclaiming the right to live free from domination.
Conclusion & Invitation
Coercive control within families is often invisible because it is masked as love, loyalty, or tradition. But its impact is profound, shaping generations and silencing voices. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing—not just for one survivor, but for entire family lines.
At diversepathswellness.com, we support survivors in breaking these cycles through somatic recovery coaching and trauma-informed care. If you are ready to reclaim your voice and create a new legacy of safety and freedom, we invite you to book an appointment today.
References
- Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., … & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.
- Gill, A. (2004). Voicing the silent fear: South Asian women’s experiences of domestic violence. Howard Journal of Criminal Justice, 43(5), 465–483.
- Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. W. W. Norton.
- Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
- van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.